Well, that was interesting. O was friendly, but not like the last time we had a phone conversation. Just friends, asking me what I was up to, but not wanting to stay on the phone. She had a job interview today she said, and two tomorrow, so she needs her sleep. I asked her if she still wants me to visit, and she said, yeah, but that was the shortest phone conversation I ever had with her. She had said weekends were good, but now she’s saying she might be working on weekends. No talk of my staying a week, visiting Portland, and locking ourselves up in a hotel where we could make all the noise we want. It seemed to be the other O, not the sexual, fun-loving one, the one who told me I was fuuun.
I don’t know what to make of this woman. She seemed so full of desire for me the last time we talked, but now it’s more like meeting a friend to hang out with, and maybe only briefly. She didn’t even seem to know who I was at first, or what I wanted. I know her cell phone has caller ID, so that was disconcerting. When I told her my name, she said: “Oh yeah, Hi.”
A friend here told me to beware of O. I understand her caution, but I’m not worried about getting hurt or something like that. I like O, I enjoy being with her, having dinner with her, fucking her, cuddling, and having her in bed with me all night. I like going to movies with her, or eating Panda Express. She doesn’t like being around crowds, but that’s OK by me. We can go to midnight movies or visit Portland by day when most people are at work.
I told her I could be there next weekend. Her response? “Busy. Probably be working. Stay in touch.”? That’s hardly what she was saying the last time I spoke with her.
Well, I heard from O again, briefly on Facebook:
Hey, good to hear from you! Sorry I haven’t been in contact recently. I had a lot going on with the drudgery of life and not much time for fun things. You are definitely a fun thing .
I told her not to let the drudgery get to her and asked when would be a good time to visit, since I don’t know what her schedule is, if she’s working or what. She replied:
I’m doing pretty good. Still looking for a decent job. I’ve made a friend who I work out at the gym with so that’s cool. Basically any weekend is good. I don’t know how long you can be here for. Let me know your thoughts.
She also said to call her. Hmm – working out at a gym – I thought she looked fit! She also told me a short funny story about something her brother said to her. I messaged her back about all the trouble I had trying to call her, message her, or email her, and got no further response. I should call again. I put it off until I know I’ll have free time. And then I began to feel a little odd about it all. What if I call and there’s no response again? What if I call, she answers, and I book a flight, and when I get there, I can’t contact her? Do I send her my hotel information and hope she’ll show up? And, then, if she doesn’t?
Of course, she’s worth the effort. But part of me wonders at her moving away without telling me, and then not answering her phone or the Facebook messages I left for so long. Absence may increase desire, and I was damn excited to hear from her, but the inconsistancy is troubling. I hope she realizes that her lack of communication affects me. I wonder if the passion we experienced will rekindle when we see each other?
Well, I guess all I know is that I’m going to find out. She’s certainly fun.
Yep. Haven’t heard a thing from O. After all that talk, and hours of it, she’s off the grid again. Her cell phone company sent me a message that the last text message I left had “expired.” They do that after 5 days when a message is not seen. That was weird. I had tried to call her too, but, just like two years ago, there was no answer, and the phone service tells me her mailbox is full, and “goodbye”. She had been checking in on Facebook. There’s a little info icon next to people in your chat list that indicates the last time they were on (within 24 hours). And sometimes, next to the last message you left, FB chat shows you that it was seen.
However, although she’d been on, and had seen a couple of my messages, she hadn’t responded. My last few messages do not show that they were seen, and the info message next to her name no longer shows that she is logging in to Facebook at all anymore. This, after she specifically asked to re-“friend” me, and then told me: “Hey, you up? Lots of stuff to say. Miss you,” and told me she has been living in Portland for three months.
Then we had that hours-long reminiscence on the phone Dec. 27, during which she told me she wanted me to come vist. She said she wanted to see the sights in Portland with me, she wanted me to get a room so we could be alone and make all the noise we wanted. She sent me a photo of her naked tits, and I sent her a photo of my newest tattoo, to which she responded: “You make me hot and wet.” Back on the phone after that, she said she wanted to touch my tat and kiss it, and then she was wanting some sex talk, though I’m not very good at phone sex, but she was fingering herself, I think, because, even in the middle of the night, her mom walked in. She said: “Uh oh, coitus interruptus,” not long before she hung up. However, she had told me her mom was fine with her seeing anyone she wanted, so that wasn’t an issue. When her phone went dead, I sent her a picture of me, to no response. However, when I sent two photos of me several days later, she did respond, for the last time, on Jan. 2, “Cute”. Ten days ago. Nothing for ten days. Her phone is turned off. She may have blocked me as well. It’s beyond frustrating.
I can’t call her, or leave a message. I can’t text her. Messages left on Facebook are not seen. Emails are not seen or not responded to. And she lives in Portland, somewhere. She never gave me an address. I checked out airline and motel costs, and was ready to go, but no response from her.
That long conversation awoke such feelings in me, and such urges as I haven’t felt since last I saw her. I was so happy to have heard from her. I was estatic that she wanted to see me. She said she missed me, and it seemed like she missed me as much as I missed her.
So why aren’t we together? What the fuck is going on? I told her that I’d gotten the idea that she is like two people sometimes, and she said, yes, she had gotten some counseling about that. So, is she bipolar? Did she contact me during a manic phase, and is now in depression? Or does she have a dissociative disorder? Did her personality switch? I don’t know. I don’t care about such things. I just want to see her again, or at least talk to her. Of course, she doesn’t just like to talk, she likes action, at least in one personality. And she likes me to be aggressive and strong and take charge sexually. And sometimes she wants pain, but sometimes not at all. And she wants to please me, but I love pleasing her more. She says she likes that, and that I’m a really good man.
So, what now?
So excited to have spoken with O. She reminded me how much I loved being with her, touching her, fucking her, pleasing her, cuddling with her. She always exicted me, and it had made me so happy anytime I was with her. Being contacted by her on Christmas Eve had been a shock, as was her saying she missed me. My mind had boiled with possibilities. Three days later we finally had an actual conversation on the phone, and we talked of many, many things in those three hours, not the least of which was that she wanted me to come visit her in Portland, tour the city, and rent a room somewhere where we could be alone. My excitement was palpable: I could feel it quickening my pulse. My body tingled all over. My mind recalled everything about her. I was happy again. I’d forgotten just how happy my relationship with that woman had made me, and how unhappy I’d been when she’d disappeared from my life.
But, it’s been three days since then, again, without any more from her. I’ve texted her, emailed her, and messaged her on Facebook. She logs into Faceback, because Facebook tells us when our friends have been on last. I see that she’s been there. There isn’t any activity posted while she’s on, so I imagine she’s checking her messages, and indeed, Facebook tells me she saw my last message, the one I left about her hair.
The last thing we had talked about was her hair. She had dyed some of it green, and had asked me if I liked it. It was hard to see in the little cell phone image she’d sent me. I told her that, and that her hair appeared dark, almost black, in the little picture. (Her hair was draped between her breasts, which were distracting, for one thing.) I had to transfer the image to my computer to really see. I told her that I was going to do that, and she said something to the effect that I should do that, but I could barely hear her, and it sounded like her phone was dying. I said to her that I thought her phone battery was dying, and then, she was gone.
When she never called back or responded to anything I did to contact her, I worried. I tend to do that. I worried that she had really been wanting my opinion of her hair. Perhaps she had been a little insecure about it? I worried that my lack of a compliment meant to her that I didn’t like it, or that I thought it was too dark. Hell, I was just having trouble seeing it in an image that’s only 1 1/2″ by 3/4″. (I don’t have either a smart phone or a tablet).
Or, because, clueless that I am, perhaps her impending loss of all of her clothing and possessions (computer, games, Xbox) was just overwhelming her, and she is too depressed to respond. Maybe she needs money and had hoped I’d help? She didn’t say. I asked, but she said that wasn’t why she’d called, that she wasn’t asking for money. I don’t know. I’d like to help if I can, but she may not even want me to. Perhaps that whole discussion has made her withdraw. I sure wish I knew.
I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a razor blade. On one side is extreme happiness; on the other is depression. Or, I could slide down, splitting myself in half, unable to go either way, or
splitting myself into happy and sad at the same time.
My phone rang at 1:24 am. I didn’t even have to look – I know there’s only one person who would call me that time of night, and yes, it was O! Finally.
So, she does indeed live in Portland now. She loves it there. She always said she hates being out in bright sunlight, that the sun is evil. When she wasn’t working, she would be up all night and asleep most of the daylight hours. Now she can go out in the cloudy rainy Oregon days and she’s quite happy about that. She’s not working, but on unemployment. In fact, she traded in her old Mustang, the one she used to buy transmission fluid by the case for, and got a car she hoped would be more reliable. It wasn’t. During the move, it broke down, and she blew her savings on repairing the engine. Unfortunately, she needed that money to pay the moving company. They are charging her $400/month to “store” all of her and her mom’s life possesions. Also, during the move, the two of them had to stay in motels, as it turned out that their apartment wasn’t available when they arrived in Portland. A month of motel bills cleaned out the rest of their money. They had no beds, no clothes, no nothing, just a bare floor to sleep on. They acquired a few basics through charity.
Now, instead of paying off their moving bill (about $2500), they have been paying storage fees, and the company wants the entire bill paid, or they will file charges for non payment, and sell all of their worldly goods at auction. O says they have a week left, and few options. She’s looking into borrowing from relatives, but even if they come through, it may not be enough, or soon enough.
I don’t have thousands to give or loan her, or I would. Hell, she needs her suits to get and keep a new job in a law office, so she’s depressed about her future right now, as I would be too. I don’t know how to help her, and she’s not actually asking me too. She just wants me to come visit her.
She said I should wait until the holidays are over so the air fares go down. But I would also need to rent a room somewhere, as she wants to get reaquainted where we can be alone and make all the noise we want. I’m pretty damn excited by that idea, but it bothers me to spend money when she needs money so desparately right now. I could send her a few hundreds bucks, but that would make traveling to visit and spending time with her nearly impossible. It’s a quandary. We were on the phone for hours. We talked of our time together in Albuquerque, and shared happy memories. O wants to see me, wants to touch me. I want that so bad now. I had given up on ever hearing from her again after all this time, but talking to her has me excited mentally and physically. I wasn’t even tired staying up that late, just like it used to be when she stayed the night.
She took a selfie and sent it to me.
Damn! I need to go see this woman.
So, I’m lazily killing time on Facebook Christmas Eve, when I see a friend-request from O! We were FB friends – did I unfriend her – or had she unfriended me at some point, or dropped her account? I don’t know. But, there she was. I accepted, of course. And, I waited a while to see if there was a reason – did she have something to say? But, nothing. Later on, I checked again. I started to think it was just some quirk of Facebook. They like to recommend “friends” to me; perhaps O had not really tried to connect. So, I decided to message her a Christmas greeting. No response, at first. I was on my way to hike up the nearby mountains in the snow, so I was gone for some time. In fact, I stopped at Garcia’s for some blue corn cheese enchiladas (smothered in chile, with an egg on top) on my way home.
When I got home I did not check in with Facebook right away. By the time I did, there was a response from O. She said: Hey, you up? Lots of stuff to say. Miss you.” That was exiciting, to say the least. But, she continued: “Don’t get excited though. I am currently living in Portland, Oregon. Haven’t been with anyone else since you.”
Well, that’s 1362 miles from here, so it’s unlikely I’ll be seeing her anytime soon. It’s a 20-hour drive to get there, and that would be worth it, but I would probably fly. “Lots to say,” she teases me with. Yes, and I would certainly like to hear whatever she has to say. How’s she been? Why did she move there? Might she come back? Would we ever see each other again? Did she get a good job there? Where is her mother in all this? And, of course, why did she just fall off the face of the Earth for two years?
I messaged back with a few short highlights of my life the last two years. I also said: “I’ve missed you as well. I hope to hear how you ended up in Portland. Sounds like an interesting place. Still with your mom? I wouldn’t mind visiting you some time. Those times I spent with you: going to movies or watching them here, hanging out, the wonderful sex, snuggled with you in bed – it was really wonderful. Stay in touch, please.”
But, so far, nothing. I feel a bit of letdown. It was pretty exciting to hear from her. But, I’d like a bit more. Knowing her, I know I need to be patient. The implications are mind blowing: she misses me? Wow! And, I don’t know why she hasn’t been with anyone else. I assumed she had. Could I have actually been more special to her than as a casual friend? Oddly, I haven’t been with anyone else either. At first, I just didn’t think anyone else was going to quite measure up to the excitement, pleasure, and comfort I felt with her, and it is a rare thing. But, eventually I had to accept I’d never see her again, and I should try to move on, but I never did.
Sometimes I still thought I’d never meet anyone like her ever again. Sometimes I thought about her advice that I should hook up with someone else, even if that became monogamous. Of two minds, I never did anything. I’ve actually come to accept that that wonderful time with her was a once-in-a-lifetime event, and I should accept that something like that will never happen again. Except. Well, except that she wants to talk. She misses me, but that could just be the same way one misses someone they will never see again.
O hadn’t been with anyone for a long time before she met me. She seems to be OK that way. So, I’m just left guessing what it all means. She did always say we were just friends (but friends with benefits), but I wondered how a friend could disappear. But, she’s alive. She’s made contact. I’m very eager to hear from her again. I hope it’s soon.
Well, no word from O lately, nothing since we saw the last Thor movie. No reply to simple texts. No phone call. Nothing. It is to be expected, of course. O told me she has to focus on dealing with her mom, to the exclusion of all else. Fine. However, I told her she shouldn’t shoulder that burden all by herself. Since she says I am her only friend in town, I would think she would want to call, stop by, text, or something. Who keeps all that to themselves? I often want to talk to someone, but there isn’t anyone. My stepdaughter has enough on her plate without dealing with me. I’d love to talk with O, but no luck there. So, I blog. This morning I cooked two eggs and two small red potatoes. Two potatoes are a bit much, so I put some on another plate. As I cooked the scrambled eggs, I realized it was looking like a lot too, so I split it on to the other plate, O’s plate. I cooked enough to split with her! She eats very small portions, and I’ve tried to imitate her in that. I like to eat often, so smaller portions is perfect. If only I could share with her. How great it would be to cook for her. How nice to live with her. Sigh. Won’t happen. Can’t. She won’t live with me. She might fuck me, suck me, sleep with me, from time to time, or at least, she used to, but live with me? She won’t do that. I can accept that. If only she would call. If only she would stay with me once in a while. I really don’t want anyone else, even though she told me I could see other people, even if it became monogamous. That pretty much says to me that she doesn’t care whether she ever sees me again. Damn! It’s just so hard to believe that all that physical closeness means nothing. That was the old male way of life: love ’em and leave ’em. One night stands. Fuck as many women as possible. Indeed, I fucked dozens of women before I married, and then divorced, fucked one other woman who I didn’t want to live with, and then married again. I’d have gone on seeing the woman in the middle, but I wasn’t in love with her, and she assumed I was. An odd belief. She assumed I wouldn’t fuck her if I didn’t love her. She didn’t want to see me after I told her that. Men will fuck anyone any time. Nowadays women do the same. If O and I had only fucked, and just a few times, I could believe there was nothing between us. However, besides the fact that the sex was absolutely amazing, it went on for over a year. We held hands. We kissed like fools, long and hard and passionately. We enjoyed many of the same books and movies. We like to snuggle, watching movies or in bed. We wrapped ourselves around each other while we slept. We used the computer together. We ate together. We rode the motorcycle. It was so much like a normal relationship I wanted to forget that she had told me she would hurt me if I fell in love with her. I wanted to forget that she told me we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. Now I believe it. I think I will eat her portion.